


amour. // jachary (why don't we music)

by justalottatrash



Category: Why Don't We (Band)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, Band, Boyband, Fluff, Fluffy, Gay, Jack is gay, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Rainbow, Sad, Sadness, Tears, Zach Is Gay, angsty, gaygaygay, jachary, jacharyheavery, this is so sad, very angsty, why don't we - Freeform, why don't we music - Freeform, you will cry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-18 06:31:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14847575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justalottatrash/pseuds/justalottatrash
Summary: jack was frozen, stuck in the rolling ocean of loneliness rippling through him and piercing his heart like a spear of inescapable, tangible sadness -and that's where zach came in.





	1. the darkness

Driven by desolation.

Jack Robert Avery had this keen sense of living this way. Desolation. Darkness.

Often, fear crunched under his checkered Vans as he would slowly walk to the bathroom to swallow his pills. The pills, a bright red, seemed to keep Jack from slowly turning to insanity. Perhaps it was the alluring color of this marvel? For whatever reason, Jack relied on the pills. The pills. And the desolation.

All color had been drained away and had slid down into oblivion. No more light in his eyes. No more color splattering the black-and-white world. No more of the one thing that had kept Jack going; the color.

Of course, living without color is living without motivation. And motivation - that, too, had seemed to seep down the drain. Jack so desperately needed someone to look at the world through his eyes; an out of focus picture that was invisible to most.

It was after his parents died that Jack lost his mind. His sisters were taken away. Isla, gone. Sydnie, gone. Ava, gone. Just... all gone. All the sparks in his life disappeared. Now, he had only his heart, and that, too, was being weighed down like rocks in the sea. Jack could now feel nothing. And nothing amounts to no reason for existence. Jack bloomed in the darkness, not the sunlight.

Jack walked down the cobblestone road.

The clouds churned a dark, menacing gray, drilling sanity into Jack's tortured mind. His breath frosted about the air, creating crystal-like chrysanthemums into the frosty air. Eyes flickering to the ground, Jack trembled and shuddered, sliding his hands into his pockets. He sighed.

Would there be someone to save Jack from this malicious darkness that had overcome his life? Living without his parents was enough to do him in. Living without his entire family had been a knife to the heart.

Yet, Jack still continued putting on this shattering façade of fake smiles, the reassurance that he was handing out still not quite really present on the inside. If he acted fine, maybe he would actually be fine. But reality didn't work that way. Reality is a videotape playing over and over again, and you can't do anything to change fate.

Jack made it to what he called home. It was the house. It was the house that his entire family had been in long ago, smiling and happy. It was the house that carried the memories, and the very existence of Jack Avery.

It didn't feel like home.

Home is supposed to be reassuring and satisfying and relaxing. There was nothing like that in this house. Instead, the house haunted Jack, the ghosts of his forgotten memories often mocking him. The cycle of his life replayed again:

Jack went to the front door.

Opened it.

Jack trudged to the bathroom door.

Opened it.

Jack reached for his pills.

Swallowed them.

Jack was driven back to sanity, the stony coldness of the pills sliding down his throat pulling him back into his reality. The grayness of the world tried to grasp Jack and take him into a false happiness. He almost obeyed the grayness. He couldn't even see color anymore. The grayness was the closest thing to company.

Jack, on autopilot mode, went to his bed.

Sat.

Waited.

Waited for what, to be exact? Jack himself could not find the answer to this question.

 _This is horrible,_ Jack thought. _I'll head outside._

So, Jack went outside.

The things he did were almost monotone. He did it without thinking. He did it with no particular motivation. He was just breathing, but he wasn't living.

The rush of chilly air whispered against Jack's cheeks as he shivered in the cold once again. He didn't have a jacket. What did it even matter anymore? He could freeze to death and no one would care. No one was around anymore to care about Jack. Jack's body could be found on the side of the road, and no one would think twice about him.

Jack sat on a bench.

Waited. Again.

Jack started to feel himself almost doze off. The cold air was enough to influence exhaustion. He was drifting, into a pill-induced sleep...

"You should really get a jacket or something. It's not really the best weather to be out in a t-shirt and jeans."

Jack flinched at the voice, his dull, lifeless eyes starting trailing up to the person who had spoken. Who dared speak to Jack, the person that no one was supposed to care about or remember? Jack hadn't talked to absolutely anyone in weeks, months even. Why now? Why here?

Jack sighed, ready to fight, but...

What Jack saw was definitely not what he'd been expecting to see. Maybe he'd see a hobo in front of him. Maybe a pedophile, or maybe even some rich dude. Instead, it was a boy that seemed to be around his age, perhaps younger. His rosy red cheeks glistened, as did his nose, almost buried under the scarf he was wearing. His chocolate brown eyes stared intently into Jack's own. A thick coat was draped over him.

Jack coughed slightly, tearing his gaze away from the young man.

The boy laughed. "Don't speak, do ya? Say something. Unless you're a person who can't speak English."

Jack felt words catch in his throat, and he swallowed them back down, afraid to converse or say anything that could scare the boy off. Jack did _not_ want to scare the boy off. So instead, Jack meekly looked down at his lap, fiddling with his icy fingers.

"Oh," the boy said, taking a seat next to Jack. "Are you deaf or something? I'm not trying to be offensive, really, I'm not. But you're not saying anything, and that's sort of worrying."

Jack took a deep breath. "I... I can talk."

"That's a start!" the boy laughed, a kind of melody that Jack hadn't heard in eons. He extended his right palm to Jack, grinning. "I'm Zachary Dean Herron. Call me Zach."

Jack slowly took Zach's palm in his own, shaking his hand slowly. Zach's warm hand felt foreign against Jack's frosty one.

"Hey, Zach. I'm Jack."

 _Zach. Zach. Zach._ The name seemed to roll off Jack's tongue in the best sort of way, as if Jack was meant to say Zach's name.

"Jack. Cool. You're not some secret spy or criminal, right? I just have to be sure," Zach grinned cockily. It seemed like Zach was trying to joke around. Jack didn't have time to joke around.

Jack didn't let a smile slip on his face. Instead, he shook his head briskly, putting his hand back in his pocket.

"Oookay," Zach said, dragging out the o. "Where do you live, Jack?"

Jack pointed right behind him. That was his house.

"Oh, you live close to me! I'm new here, by the way. New lifestyle, new choices. Isn't that the best kind of opportunity?" Zach smiled radiantly, his smile equivalent to the warmth and brightness of the sun.

"No," Jack said sharply. "It's not really the best kind of opportunity."

Jack's mind flashed back to his family. He was living a new lifestyle right now, and it was the worst thing ever. But Jack wasn't about to give this random stranger details about his personal life. Life wasn't some cheesy fanfiction.

"I won't prod any deeper," Zach said, "but you've got me interested. Invite me over sometime, alright, _Jack_?"

There it was again. The radiant smile. Jack wasn't used to that type of a smile, so he turned away, blushing a fiery pink.

"Oh, you're turning pink," Zach observed concernedly. "You must be cold!"

Jack wanted to laugh at Zach's obliviousness. Was Jack really cold? It didn't seem likely, because Zach's smiles were warm and his presence was comforting. How silly this was, even though Jack had _just_ met this ray of sunshine.

"Yeah, cold." Jack said, his tone sarcastic.

"You must be freezing, dude," Zach said, shaking his head. Then, in one swift motion, he was taking off his coat.

"W-What are you - " Jack had began to say, absolutely mortified at the scene unfolding before him. Before he could protest, Zach had draped his thick coat over Jack's shoulders.

"I thought you might need the jacket. It's so cold! And you can keep it, too. My mom won't care," Zach replied.

"I can't just take it," Jack protested. He hated the way the coat made him feel. It was definitely warm, and Jack loved it. His curls blew in the wind.

"Yes, you can."

"No!"

"Jack," Zach said, "Even though I just met you, I feel intrigued. You seem to be needing protection. So just take the freaking jacket!"

Jack flinched, appalled by Zach's sudden act of kindness. Jack didn't do anything to deserve this warm, fancy coat, did he? And yet, Zach gave it, anyways. Even though they just met.

"Fine," Jack sighed, snuggling into the jacket. Zach giggled at this.

"Man, are you interesting," he smirked. Then he stood up, stretching. "Well, I'll be off! Thanks for keeping me company. You make me think I already have a friend."

"You do," Jack said quietly. "And so do I."

Zach turned around, looking at Jack. "You said something?"

Jack looked down, blushing. "Nothing."

Zach smiled. "I love your curls, by the way!" he called out, beginning to run down the street. "Don't forget to invite me to hang out!"

Jack grinned slightly, standing up and beginning to wave at Zach. "Sure!"

He watched as Zach disappeared down the street. As soon as it had come, the comfort was gone, replaced by the chilling emptiness once again. But something felt different this time now. There was a feeling in Jack's stomach, welling up inside him. The feeling certainly hadn't been there before. What was it, exactly? Pleasure? No, that can't be it. Gladness? Gratitude? No.

 _Happiness_.

Jack flinched in surprise, the random word popping into his mind. No, that shouldn't be right. How could a boy that Jack just met bring him happiness? That didn't seem possible, not at all.

But Jack wanted to hold on to that feeling. He wanted to hold on to Zach, and the memories to come.

But he suddenly lost grip with this sudden motivation.

Soon, Jack felt himself falling back into the autopilot mode that he hated so much. He wanted to yell and scream and fight against the insanity of desolation that was trying to grab him once again. Jack lost the battle, defeated, and fled into the darkness.

He went into his house to take some more pills.

 


	2. the road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack walks down the cobblestone, eyes wide and earnest when he stumbles across a familiar face from the day before.

It was the same cobblestone road Jack had strode down yesterday that he was walking along again. He would catch people's eyes, and for a flickering moment, he would see the discomfort in the other person's gaze, and he would once again look back to the ground. The sharp teeth of sadness sunk into Jack's skin once again.

Jack's breath hitched, and he brought a fist to his mouth, coughing harshly and briefly. He clutched his jacket closer to him, feeling the smooth fabric cause warmth that he hadn't felt in a while.

It was yesterday that a lot of things happened.

Zach. And the jacket. Gosh, the jacket. It was the warmest thing ever, how much could it have costed? Zach probably gave away $50 to a random stranger. The reason behind this was still unknown and ignored.

There was something about Zach's aura that was noticeably different; was it the immense happiness that was ejected from him and smacked Jack in the face? Or was it that glowing smile? Was it both? Yeah, maybe it was a little bit of both.

Point being, Jack felt change floating around his heart. Something was to happen. Jack decided that fate finally saw Jack's suffering and sent someone over to help him. Zach might not even be the guardian angel. For all Jack knew, Zach could've been the devil in disguise.

Jack thought of this as unlikely.

Zach seemed like a happy-go-lucky kid. He seemed content all the time. Jack felt like Zach was his best friend. Of course, Jack couldn't assume this, because he had just met Zach and thinking of him as a best friend seemed a bit weird. Yet, Jack couldn't even remember what the comfort of a best friend felt like. Gosh, Jack couldn't even recall the last time he felt satisfied with himself or the others around him. Zach twinged that feeling a tiny bit.

Speaking of Zach, Jack saw the flash of brown hair and rosy cheeks starting to jog towards him. Jack felt a flash of something remotely close to happiness.

"Jack!" Zach smiled, stopping in front of Jack and giving a small wave. Jack waved back slightly, unsure of what to do.

"Are you heading to school? I am. It's my first day, so if you're going to the same school as me, I'd feel completely reassured. I can't believe Mom paid for this," Zach ranted, playing with his thumbs (quite cutely, in fact, but Jack would never admit).

Jack felt a feeling well up in his stomach. It wasn't anger, was it...? No, no, no. Not anger. But it was a dark feeling, like an evil monster clawing Jack's insides to tiny little bits.

"No, I'm not going to school," Jack snapped fiercely, just as he had done to Zach yesterday. Guilt immediately washed over him as he saw Zach flinch and step back, the radiant smile losing its color for a millisecond before it was back up and glowing again.

"Oh. This is the closest school in our neighborhood, though. Then where do you go?" Zach questioned, tilting his head and glancing at Jack with those beautifully muddy eyes.

Jack bit down on his cheek hard, feeling the metallic red liquid of blood flowing atop his tongue. He couldn't lie, could he? Jack stopped going to school after he was left alone; he couldn't pay for it. If he told the truth, Zach would pity him. Jack didn't want pity. Pity was for the weak.

"I'm... homeschooled." Jack said swiftly, the lie slipping out of his mouth. The guilt remained there. He wasn't even friends with Zach for a few days, and he already lied to him.

"Jeez," Zach sighed, looking down at his shoes. "I wish I was homeschooled. It's sad, though. I'm stuck going to this boring school."

How could Jack explain that he would trade anything just to go to school once more? He liked nothing about that hell hole of education, but one day off from school was different from no school for the rest of your life. Jack wished he could be sitting in a classroom, even staring at boring teachers. He missed his friends. He missed it all. No one would understand how he didn't go to school, they would just remark "you're so lucky" but Jack did not feel that way. The boys and girls were the lucky ones, getting the privilege to be able to attend a school.

"Jack?" rang out Zach's quiet voice. Jack blinked, realizing that he had been zoning out. He glanced up at Zach sheepishly.

"Sorry. I'm just thinking about stuff."

Zach scoffed, "Thinking about 'stuff', are you? You're very specific. Come on, walk with me." Zach then took Jack's hand, pulling him down the cobblestone road. Jack flinched, pulling away from the human contact. Zach proceeded to look the smallest tiny bit of hurt, but he masked it with his brilliant smile again.

"I'll be late to school. At least walk next to me," Zach chuckled, gesturing to Jack to hurry up.

"I'm coming," Jack shrugged, jogging forward.

Suddenly, Zach gasped. Jack stopped in his tracks, worried if he did something wrong.

"You're wearing the jacket!" Zach cheered happily. "Yes! It's warm, isn't it? I knew you'd like it!"

Jack blushed, feeling hot from head to toe. He put the hood on, burying himself and curling up.

"You are way too interesting," Zach laughed, poking at Jack's hidden cheeks. "Seriously, I've never met anyone like you. That's a good thing."

_"You're interesting, Jack," Kristin, Jack's mother, laughed, pulling Jack to her chest comfortingly. "That's good. You're different. I've never met anyone like you."_

_The warmth of this hug brought Jack to happiness. Jack laughed, tightly hugging his mother back. He felt so content, so happy, and so deliriously amazed by his mother and her love. He couldn't put in in words. He just loved her so much. So much. So, so, so so so so much._

_In no words at all, Jack and Kristin exchanged their infinite love through that warm hug._

_-_

_"Is this Jack Avery?" the policeman said gruffly through the phone._

_"Yes, this is he," Jack said anxiously, sitting up on his bed and crossing his legs.  Why was a policeman calling him? Did something bad happen?_

_"Jack, I bring horrible news."_

_Jack felt his breathing pace faster. Not good. Not good. Not good..._

_"Your mother and father have unfortunately gotten into a car crash."_

_Jack clenched his right fist, slamming it harshly against the wall next to him. "And? And what happened? Are they okay? Please, tell me they're okay!"_

_"Jack.. they have passed away."_

_That was it._

_"Damn it!" Jack screamed, chucking his phone towards the farthest wall across the room. It broke, shattering into a million tiny fragments. Just as Jack was._

_He stood up._

_"No," Jack breathed heavily. "No. No. No!"_

_This is not real. This is a dream._

_"It's a dream," Jack spat out, gripping his skin in between his fingers. He started pinching himself hard. "It's a dream! God fucking dammit, wake up!"_

_The pain was very much real._

_Realization sunk in._

_"Oh, God," Jack choked out, falling to his knees._ No. Fucking no. No.

No _._

No!

_"Oh, God," Jack repeated, putting his head in his hands. Tears slid down his face at a rapid pace. This news was incomprehensible. Just earlier, Jack and his parents had been laughing over stupid jokes. What was the last thing Jack ever said to them? Did he even tell them "I love you" before they... died?_

_"I'm not believing it!" Jack yelled out, clawing at the floor. "No!"_

My parents aren't dead, _Jack thought._ It's just a prank. A stupid joke.

_"Jack?" came a small voice. Jack gasped, lifting up his head. His sisters stood in the doorway, watching with fear. It was Isla who had spoken._

No. My parents left behind four fucking children. No. This is not happening.

_Before he knew it, sobs were tearing through Jack's throat, like booming thunder. He was broken. He just snapped in half. So he just cried out of self-pity, the concerned looks of his sisters blurry through his lens of tears._

_"Jack?" Sydnie said quietly. "What's going on?"_

_Could Jack really tell the truth?_

_"It's mom and dad," Jack choked out in between loud sobs. "They- They're dead!"_

_The look on his sisters' faces after he announced that just made Jack sob harder than ever._

-

Jack pulled himself back to the present.

"Jack?" Zach said, concerned. He looked to Jack. "Jack! Are you okay? Why- Why are you crying?"

Jack stopped. He was crying? No, he wasn't.

But Jack's fingers found their way up to his cheeks. He gasped at the wet tears sliding down his face and coming in contact with his fingers. Yeah, sure enough, he was crying.

"Jack," Zach said, looking into Jack's eyes. "Talk to me. Are. You. Okay?"

"I- I can't-" Jack couldn't even rasp any words out. The memories were too great.

Zach rushed forward.

He hugged Jack tightly.

And Jack's mind's flashed back to his mother's hug.

It was the experience all over again.

"I-" Jack said, before sobs coated his words. He started sobbing. Into Zach's shoulder. How humiliating.

However, Zach didn't seem to care. Zach only embraced Jack tighter and more lovingly. It was warm and comforting. How? How did this boy do it? So many emotions all at once. So many emotions flooded Jack when he was around this certain boy.

Jack hugged back for only a brief moment. He soaked up the warmth. And the happiness. And the protection.

Then he pushed Zach away.

"I'm sorry," Jack whimpered. Then he rushed off, his shoes pattering on the cobblestone road. He heard Zach's calls of protest, but he didn't turn around.

He kept running.

Then he made it back to his house.

He went inside.

He took more pills.

 


	3. the silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was this that Jack feared; the loneliness. And now, much to his dismay, he was coated in it.

_I knew getting involved with him was a bad idea,_ Jack thought bitterly, biting his lip as silent tears cascaded down his cheeks and splattered to his lap with a soft plop. _Getting involved with_ _anything was a bad idea. I shouldn't trust anyone. That was too easy for him to see inside me._

Jack scolded himself as he angrily wiped his tears away, but as he wiped them away, they only flowed faster, and Jack just hung his head down in shame as the tears continued trickling down his face.

After Jack had run off and taken his pills, he sat down on his bed in self-pity, still crying like the weak little baby he was. No one looked up to him. He was just another messed-up smudge in the perfect masterpiece of the world. There wasn't even a purpose to keep on going. No family. No friends. What was his motivation? Why was he existing?

_Zach._

Jack jumped at the word that had popped up in his mind, a whisper of a name that chilled Jack to the bone. _No,_ Jack told himself, eyes downcast. _I just met him, he can't be my reason to keep existing. That's so unreasonable. And after today, I don't think he'd even want to be my friend anyways._

But when Jack thought of that sunshine smile and rosy cheeks and chocolate eyes, Jack couldn't help but feel like he needed to keep that smile going. Already, more than once, Jack had made Zach look afraid, and this was because Jack had angrily burst out at Zach. This look on Zach's face; scared, lost, pale, had made Jack want to curl up in a ball and banish himself from his cruel actions. He wanted to see Zach's smile. It was the only thing making him feel safe. Safe and sane; the pills and Zach. Those were the two things Jack felt he couldn't live without.

But now he had scared Zach off for good. He started crying into Zach's shoulder, how embarrassing! Surely Zach hated Jack now. But Zach's touch felt so warm... so safe. Safe. That's the word that kept coming to mind. Jack felt safe around Zach.

But now he ran away from Zach. _Bam._ That's the end of a friendship that just started. No more safe feeling. No more smidges of happiness.

Jack sniffled, wiping at his cheeks once more. _I mess everything up._

He almost reached for his pills again, but stopped himself.

 _If I take any more, I could die,_ Jack thought. Then he seethed in anger. _So what if I die? There's no one to care._

He wanted his mother. He wanted his father. He wanted his sisters. He wanted his family back.

But they weren't there, were they? Nope. Still lonely.

Jack hugged himself tightly, choking on sobs as he wished for his mother's touch. Surely his mother would have hugged him. His father would have comforted him. Isla would have been all cute and would have hugged Jack. Sydnie would tease lovingly. Ava would do the same. They would all surround Jack, and he would feel sane once again.

But now there was no one to do anything remotely close to that.

Maybe if he called Sydnie's cell phone number, she'd answer.

 _You've tried countless times,_ Jack's mind whispered. _There's no way she'll answer._

Jack's face screwed up and he grabbed onto his blankets, tears rolling down his face and sobs catching in his throat.

Isolation was unavoidable at this point.

But Jack wanted to at least try to contact his sisters.

He stood up, feeling heavy, and he reached for the home phone, trying to dial Sydnie's number while tears blurred his vision. He put the phone to his ear.

Waited...

Waited..

Waited.

_"Hey! This is Syd. I'm not on the phone at the moment. Leave a message at the beep!"_

Sydnie was laughing during the voicemail recording, and the sounds of her family echoed behind her. Jack could hear himself in the voicemail, giggling at Sydnie.

 _Beep_.

"Syd," Jack whispered. "I... miss you. I miss all of you, you know? But all of you aren't there. I don't think you'll ever be there again," he laughed bitterly.

"You see, Syd," Jack said. "When you, mom, dad, Ava, and Isla were still in my life, you always got on my nerves. You were all so annoying. I'm sure everyone else could relate. I always thought, 'man, I don't wanna be in this family.'"

"Well," Jack said, feeling the tears rise up once again. "You're all gone, I guess. And I... I took you all for granted. I always acted like I didn't want to be around you, but now I'm wishing for you all to be here. I'm so lonely, Syd. It's so quiet and I know I'm slowly going insane. I'll hear voices and think that they belong to you. I don't know how long I can keep this up."

Jack took a deep breath.

"But I wish we were together. Bye, Syd. I love you. I wish I'd told you that before everything happened."

He ended the call and broke down.

___

 _I'm hungry..._ Jack thought hazily, staring at the ceiling as it spun in circles. _But it doesn't even matter anymore._

His stomach growled for anything to satisfy it. But it wasn't like Jack cared. He could fill his stomach with the pills. Maybe the pain would go away then.

Jack wanted Zach.

It had been four hours since Jack had seen Zach. Was school out by then? If it was, then Zach wasn't bothering to see Jack. Jack's suspicions had been confirmed; Zach hated him.

Jack exhaled, pressing a palm to his forehead. His head hurt from the hunger, too. Cool.

Jack had been running low on the food. He worked from time to time, usually at McDonald's, and he had neighbors who sometimes brought him food and kept him company. But for some reason, they weren't coming as often anymore. Jack thought this was because they had become tired of him. So Jack was losing another one of the things that he had taken for granted; food. He desired it so. He could die of hunger, and Jack realized that if he were to die, then he wanted it to be quick and painless. Dying of hunger was a slow, horrifying process that Jack didn't want. But he seemed to be having no choice but to probably die that way.

_Knock, knock._

Jack pulled out of his stupor, blinking as he became more aware of his empty stomach. Who was knocking on the door? Was it... no, no, that can't be. It can't be Zach. Zach hated Jack. Zach hated Jack, and Jack was firmly believing this.

But couldn't help but keep his hopes up.

Heavily walking over to the door, exhausted, Jack reached the doorknob. He reached out, hesitating.

He opened the door.

There was a woman.

Not Zach.

"Hello, Jack," the woman smiled kindly. She held what looked like a platter with aluminum foil atop it. "I've brought you food!"

Jack ignored the way his heart felt like it was being crushed. He disguised it with a warm smile. "Mrs. Seavey. Keri. Hi."

"Hi, Jack. I've brought pesto pasta!" Keri smiled brightly, walking into the house and setting the platter on a table in what used to be the living room. 

"Thank you so much, Keri," Jack grinned, feeling his stomach growl. "How's your son doing?"

Keri proceeded to look crestfallen, her eyes downcast. "Daniel is... fine. Ever since the attempt, he's been a bit off, but overall, he's getting back into the swing of things."

Getting back into the swing of things, Jack repeated. That's something I can't seem to do.

"I'm so happy to hear that," Jack replied honestly. "I hope he gets better."

"I do, too," Keri said. She hugged Jack, burying her face in his curls. "You two should try getting closer, you know."

"I don't think I can," Jack replied. "I'm still a bit shaken up. I don't think I'll ever be the same again. I'm not ready for friends."

"I understand."

Jack just melted in the hug. At least Daniel Seavey had someone caring about him, someone who was there for him. Keri was close to something like that, but she barely came anymore ever since Daniel tried attempting suicide. This, in fact, proved that the world was a cruel place.

"I need to go, honey," Keri whispered. "Please, enjoy your meal. I'll try to bring another one soon."

"Thank you, Keri."

___

Jack was alone again.

Even after eating his meal, he felt empty.

Eyes gazing towards the bathroom door, he took a deep breath. Held it. Exhaled.

He took some more pills.

 

 


	4. the promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack finds himself not-so-lonely when a much desired visitor comes to his door with bright eyes, a wide smile, and cupcake batter.

Jack stirred from his restless, melancholy sleep, his eyes opening. The ceiling churned, almost swallowing Jack up, and he gasped, tensing. He had fallen asleep for God knows how long, the pills feverishly taking his hand and leading him into the land of dreamless sleep.

_Knock, knock._

Once again, there was a knock on his door. Could it be Keri? Keri just came, however. That would be unreasonable, no matter how much Jack selfishly wanted Keri to be there with him at that precise moment. It also would definitely not be Zach, he hated Jack.

Jack couldn't find the motivation to lift himself up and go to the door. It was mortifying but sweetly relieving that he didn't need to move. Yet, his mind whispered that he should probably get the door. Even though he felt the horrible need to stay laying down, Jack complied.

As he walked to the front door, he noticed that it had turned quite dark outside. The sky swirled with the colors of forgotten memories and painful regrets, and Jack tore his eyes away from the window, trying to even out his labored breathing.

He opened the door.

Jack gaped at the person standing before him. It was like a million words caught in his throat, and he stuttered, not being able to utter out a single one.

Zach stood there, his smile made of sunshine plastered on his face like the sun shining brightly, unexpectedly illuminating the dark, isolated prison Jack had shipped himself away to.

"Zach," Jack blinked, shocked. "...Hi."

"Jack," Zach mocked jokingly, grinning crookedly. "...Hi."

Jack could've crumpled up right then and there. Zach doesn't hate him. He came. He came, like a star glowing in the lifeless universe. He came, like a rose in a field of weeds. He was here.

"You came..." Jack scoffed disbelievingly. Was this reality? Jeez, Jack couldn't even tell what was real and what wasn't. He turned away from Zach, who was watching confusedly.

"Well, why wouldn't I?" Zach asked, reaching out to tug on Jack's shirt. Jack was slowly moving away, refusing to believe that Zach, this kid, this person, had really decided to join Jack again on this rollercoaster of life, even if the ride meant certain death.

"Because you're supposed to leave me like everyone else did," Jack spat out. He glared harshly at Zach, his gaze cold and tone rigid. The universe stopped to stare at Jack and his actions. Zach's face grew afraid.

Zach released Jack's shirt, briefly moving away from Jack as he put his hands behind his back. He stammered, panicking, eyes flickering anywhere but Jack's face.

"I'm sorry," Zach apologized profusely, awkwardly bowing his head down. "I didn't mean to... I mean... I..."

Jack felt a pang of guilt, knowing he messed up again. He kept hurting Zach, and the stupid idiot decided to stick around anyways. He bit his lip, feeling his heart swell like roses wilting.

"I'm the one who should be sorry. Sorry. I don't know why I have those outbursts," Jack mumbled. "Please stay, man."

Zach's face immediately lightened up again, and he walked inside the house, smiling. "I came to make cupcakes!"

Jack's face melted, and he scoffed, emotionless. "Cupcakes. You're serious?"

"You seemed sad earlier so I decided baking would help," Zach explained simply, pulling out a box of cupcake mix out of his bag that he had brought. It was Funfetti flavored, which Jack didn't really despise but didn't really favor, either.

Something about Zach's explanation and the bluntness made Jack bite his lip and stare at the floor. Zach wandered about the house, staring up at the walls and the paintings with an interested expression resting on his face. Jack couldn't help but feel a bit breached of privacy, and he caught up with Zach, resting a hand on his shoulder.

"Let's just go to the kitchen," Jack giggled nervously. Zach was probably judging the mess of what Jack called a house. It was more of a war site, with clothes strewn and objects lying around and memories askew and scattered. If Zach wasn't too careful, he could step on one of the forgotten memories. If Zach wasn't too careful, he could trip and fall to the wolves of pain that seemed to be devouring Jack's heart. So Jack would put it in his responsibilities to keep Zach safe, no matter the circumstance.

"So, cupcakes, huh?" Jack said awkwardly, looking at the box that Zach had put on the kitchen counter. "Well. Um. How do we do this?"

"You've baked cupcakes before, right?"

But Jack couldn't remember the last time he did something with thought. So he merely shrugged, pink as the roses on Zach's pretty cheeks.

"Oh. Well, I won't question you, but literally, all we have to do is mix the ingredients, pour them into cupcake cup thingies, and place it in the oven!" Zach said enthusiastically, eyes sparkling with life and looking at Jack. Jack chuckled, amused.

"Alright. What are the ingredients?" Jack asked, looking at the box obliviously.

Zach picked up the box, studying it intently. "Two eggs, one cup of water, and half a cup of vegetable oil."

"Sounds complicated," Jack said, sarcastic.

"You have a fridge. You have cabinets. You have a sink. We have everything, right?"

"Yeah. I think. I just don't know how old the eggs or the oil is."

Zach shrugged, unfazed. "Then we end up puking together. It's all part of the fun."

 _Together_. The word that Zach had said echoed in Jack's mind. It wasn't just the word _myself_ all the time. It was _together_. And Jack wasn't alone.

So Jack got all the ingredients with such tenderness as if dropping an egg would result in dropping this new blossoming friendship that Jack and Zach were nurturing.

"Crack the eggs, and I can get the oil and water," Zach said.

So Jack began cracking eggs. He didn't really have much experience with cracking anything except for hearts, but it wasn't that messy.

"Shit!" Zach cursed loudly. Jack swiveled around to the young boy, beginning to snicker at the sight. Zach had accidentally dropped the measuring cup, resulting in spilling oil all over himself and the floor. It seeped through his shirt, making Zach curse even more. However, he still had a smile on his face, as if the whole slip up was just a joke. And it was.

"I'm so sorry," Zach started bursting out in laughter, the sweet harmonies blessing Jack's ears. "I messed up your kitchen."

"It's all part of the fun, what do you except from baking?" Jack laughed, something he hadn't done in a while. He contemplated throwing the eggshells at Zach for fun, but that could result in injury, not laughter.

"Just wait," Zach giggled, slipping a bit on the oil and collapsing in laughter once more. "I can do this."

Like a baby giraffe, Zach slipped on the oil as he poured some more into the bowl and threw in some unmeasured water as well. Jack watched, smiling in amusement as the person that was his motivation slipped and fell to the ground. It was probably a metaphorical statement from the universe that his motivation was going to slip and fall into the depths of hollowness, but Jack ignored it.

"Perfect," Zach smiled, wiping his face with his hands, smearing oil on his cheeks, making his cheeks shine as bright as his eyes.

"I'll just pour the mixture in before you slip up again," Jack laughed, robotically and slowly beginning to pour the dusty cupcake mix into the bowl, powdering up the bowl and the counter. Thankfully, he did it without any mistakes, and he released a breath, smiling triumphantly.

"Great! Now we mix it all together!"

Zach scurried around the room, finding a mixing spoon and beginning to vigorously mix all the ingredients together, his tongue poking out the side of his mouth, his lips twitching up into a playful smile.

"You're going too fast, Zach!" Jack laughed, shielding his face from the cupcake mixture that was beginning to fly around the kitchen.

"Jack! Look!" Zach exclaimed, and Jack lowered his hands, looking at Zach curiously.

Something wet and cold splattered against Jack's face.

Zach stood victoriously, giggling. He had thrown the cupcake batter at Jack, who was looking at Zach with a deadly look on his face.

"Oh, no, you didn't!" Jack yelled, grabbing a handful of the mixture himself. He scurried around the kitchen, chasing after Zach, who was laughing hard and slipping around on the floor. Jack caught ahold of Zach, wrapping an arm around his waist as he smacked his hand to Zach's cheeks and began to smear the batter all over his face.

"Jack! No!" Zach flailed about wildly, laughing hard. "That t-tickles! Stop it!"

"You asked for it," Jack grinned evilly, reaching for another handful of batter and beginning to rub it all over Zach's face again. Zach squirmed, giggles slipping out of his lips as Jack tightened his hold. Suddenly, Zach poked Jack in the side, making Jack yelp and release him. Running around, Zach grabbed another handful of batter, tossing it to Jack, as Jack barely dodged it with a scream.

The two fought like this for a while, completely trashing the kitchen with delicious cupcake batter. They were relaxed completely, comfortable with each other as they laughed and threw the batter around, completely forgetting that they still needed the batter to actually make the cupcakes.

But they were happy.

Zach finally collapsed to the ground, exhausted. Jack slid down next to him. The two boys panted, tired from the cupcake fight that had temporarily ensued.

The kitchen looked like something out of a horror movie.

"That was so fun," Jack confessed, looking down at his batter-splattered form. There was the mixture in his hair, on his face, and on his clothes. The same went for Zach.

"We barely have any batter left to even make the cupcakes!" Zach laughed, peeking into the bowl. "The least we can do is make two cupcakes!"

"One for you, one for me," Jack reasoned out. "Let's put it in the oven. We can clean up while we wait."

So Zach helped Jack put the cupcakes in the oven, barely burning himself.

"I brought extra clothes. My mom told me I can sleep over at yours. She knows who you are, you know. She said she used to work with your parents." Zach explained.

Jack stiffened at this statement. Zach's mom knew his parents. Jack didn't know whether to feel alarmed or relieved that Zach's mom trusted Jack. Jack visibly relaxed, exhaling.

"Okay, we can change," Jack said, beginning to walk towards the bedrooms. But what Zach said made him stop in his tracks.

"Where are your parents, by the way?" Zach asked.

Jack felt rage boil inside of him, and he tried to remain calm. _It's not Zach's fault for asking. He doesn't know. He doesn't know._

"They're just on a business trip right now," Jack smiled reassuringly, gesturing for Zach to follow him. Zach seemed to buy into the lie, and Jack stopped himself from feeling guilty.

"Well, okay."

___

Jack walked out of the room and Zach walked out of the bathroom, both in new clothes and having cleaned themselves off.

"The cupcakes are probably done by now," Zach yawned, rubbing his eyes. "I sort of don't wanna eat them today. I'm exhausted, dude."

Jack couldn't help but feel his eyelids weigh down. "I am, too."

"I'll eat one tomorrow for energy," Zach said, pulling the cupcakes out of the oven. "If I eat one now, I won't be able to fall asleep."

So Jack and Zach laid down on what used to be Ava and Isla's room. The two used to sleep in the same room, and Sydnie had her own room because "she was the oldest." There were two twin-sized beds. After his sisters left, Jack had taken anything related to them down and stored them safely away in boxes. Now the rooms were melancholy and plain, a reflection of how Jack felt inside most of the time.

The lights were off.

Jack and Zach were situated and comfortable.

"Let's ask each other questions. I actually wanna get to know you better," Zach said, his voice emerging from the menacing darkness of the room.

"Okay. I'll ask you first," Jack said. "Um, do you have any siblings?"

"Two. One little sister named Reese and one little brother named Ryan. They're always annoying, but I do love them," Zach chuckled. "Now your turn. Favorite movie?"

Jack sighed. "The Fault in Our Stars," he confessed. "I'm a sucker for it, sadly."

Zach laughed, exhaustion coloring his voice. "I like it, too."

"What's your favorite... color?"

"Really, man?" Zach laughed at the question's simplicity. "I guess I like black."

"Yeah, me too. But I also - "

"Jack, are you sad?"

Jack flinched at the randomness of the question. The demons in his mind giggled silently at the accurate question that hit close to home. He turned on his side, the bed creaking. "What makes you say that?"

"I can tell, Jack. I don't know if 'sad' is the right word, but I guess 'depressed' can work, too. It's just... are you?"

Jack wanted to snicker at the care in Zach's voice. Was he sad? Was he really? Well, he felt empty. Was that the same as being sad?

"I... I don't know," Jack said quietly. "I don't know, Zach."

"Well, you deserve to be happy, you know. It's probably the first time I've seen you smile or heard you laugh, and it suits you perfectly. I want to keep that up. I want to see that smile on you all the time."

How sad this was; two boys wishing the same for each other. But wishes don't always come true.

"I don't know, Zach. I don't know."

"S...tay happy, okay? I'll make sure you're happy. I'll make sure. I promise..." Zach's voice faded out at the end, and it melted into heavy, even breathing, hinting that he had fallen asleep.

Jack softly smiled to himself.

He wanted to believe Zach's words. He wanted to hold on to Zach, his lifeline, his boat that was drifting out at sea and Jack was lost. The words seemed so true, so beautiful and utterly sincere, and Jack couldn't help but be taken aback at this.

He slept.

 


	5. the morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning couldn't have gone much worse than this, and Jack finds himself with tears cascading down his skeleton cheeks and a longing glance at the pills on his counter.

Jack groaned slightly, blinking open his eyes blearily. He was greeted with warmth and comfort, and he realized that Zach was still on the other bed. The ice in his bones had almost thawed, replaced by a sunshine that Jack had never known existed. 

 _Shit. What day is it?_ Jack thought, rubbing his face and plowing a hand through his curls. _It's a Friday. Zach has school._

Jack turned over, ready to wake Zach up, but stopped himself.

...Zach looked like an angel.

He looked so relaxed, so unworried, his features not with a smile but looking beautiful as well. The pink of his cheeks began matching Jack's, and Jack shuddered with serenity. Zach looked like a child without a care in the world, his breathing even and heavy. His face would twitch from time to time, and Jack found it hard to not find Zach adorable. Jack's heart twisted, melted, like the hole in it was being patched up again, the cracks being glued together and fixed.

Jack's skeleton cheeks were adorned with pink roses.

He didn't want to wake Zach up, ugh, who would wake up a sleeping angel? He looked perfect. He looked flawless.

Sadly, all good things come to an end.

Jack hesitated, hand twitching, not wanting to reach out and wake his motivation up. There was the tiny fear that Zach would walk out of his life without looking back, and Jack was afraid that if he woke Zach up, he'd waltz out of Jack's life without a single thought.

He began to gently shake Zach. "Zach?"

After some gentle shaking, Zach's eyes tiredly opened, sunshine flowing out of them and washing over Jack like a blanket of content.

The roses bloomed in darker colors.

"Sorry," Zach mumbled groggily, and Jack had to tear his eyes away from Zach and his deep morning voice. "What time is it?"

Jack looked at the clock above the doorframe. "It's about 6:15 a.m."

Zach hummed tiredly. "School starts at 8:45. I can sleep in for like, one more hour."

Jack really did want to let him sleep, but examining your friend's face while they're asleep is considered creepy. But if Zach was tired, Jack was okay with that. Jack actually got a lot of hours of sleep because the pills made him tired, resulting in deep sleep.

The pills.

_The pills!_

_Fuck. Shit. I didn't take my pills!_ Jack internally groaned. He relied on the pills too much, yes, he knew that. But the pills took the pain away, washing it down into a sewer of regret, and there was so much pain inside Jack that he didn't want there. He was scared that if he missed taking the pills, the pain would pound into his head - a wound he could never recover from.

"Go ahead and sleep," Jack said, trying to not let a troubled tone sneak into his voice. "I'll, uh, be right back."

So Jack dashed out of the room, mind only set on the pills the pills the pills the pills the pills _the pills the pillsthepillsthepillsthepills_ and that's all that mattered.

The pills.

That was all.

Jack took the pills in his hand. He put them in his mouth, and he was shaky shaky shakyshakyshaky.. and he swallowed and he needed those pills _so bad_ it was unreal and he waited waited _waited_ for the sanity to come flooding back and it didn't and he felt horrible and insane and he _needed_ to feel okay again and there was so so so _sososo_ much pain and he needed to _bleed_ and he felt horrible and he wanted the pain to just leave and leave and he took his head in his hands and there was so much self-hate and it was horrifying and he was losing control but the pain was there, it was there, still _there_ and he didn't like it, it felt so bad, he was going insane and he needed more pills and -

"Jack?"

An angelic voice protruded from the other side of the door, gripping Jack's shoulders, taking him back to sink into the cool waters of sanity and it was relaxing and painless and Jack felt alright again.

He shakily put down the pills.

"Jack?" Zach said, more alarmed and oh god his voice was so beautiful and clear and oh god Jack had never felt more okay but more horrible at the same time.

"Zach," Jack said, but flinched at his own voice. His voice had cracked and sounded horrible, on the verge of tears, and Jack didn't know the reason because he felt so _alive_ and so _good_ now that Zach was here, but he sounded like breaking down into sobs.

"Jack? Oh, God, what's the matter?" Zach tried wiggling the doorknob but he couldn't, it was locked, it was just Jack in the bathroom sounding horrible and so sad and Zach so so so so hated that he sounded so broken.

"Zach," Jack repeated, and he knew he sounded disgusting and on the verge of sobbing, but why? He felt amazing and okay and just all around good, why did he sound so empty, what was missing?

"Jack. Open the door. What's wrong? Talk to me!" Zach said. He had never been more scared. The person he cared about could be doing anything in the bathroom, he could be dying in there, he sounded like he was crying, how did it go so wrong?

"Zach, I..." Jack couldn't speak. There was too much going on. The world was spinning and even though he thought he was okay he was lying to himself and now he was breaking, cracking to millions of pieces in the bathroom, he was so fragile and he felt disgusting and he knew he was disgusting and he hated himself so much so much so much and everything was going so _so_ wrong now and oh god.

Jack couldn't stop the flow of tears so he just covered his mouth and the tears just kept coming and coming and coming and _coming_ and they wouldn't stop and Jack hated himself and life and he just wanted to die. He wanted to die and kill himself because he hated his life and he didn't even know why because everything seemed to be going wrong.

"Jack, please, Jack! Open the door! Please, Jack. Please. I care about you so much. Don't do anything to yourself. Please. Please. _Please_. _Don't do anything to yourself_."

Zach's tone was so pleading and desperate and Jack hated seeing him like this because Zach sounded so _helpless_ like he was about to break, just like Jack but Jack didn't want that, he didn't deserve that, Zach deserved it all and Jack wanted to give him the world and the best way to do that was to erase himself from the world.

He eyed the pills.

 _No no no no no don't do this, Jack_ , Jack tried to tell himself.

But the pills were right there and he didn't deserve a spot in this world and everything was going so wrong and -

"Jack. Listen to my voice, Jack. Open the door. Open the door, Jack. Please."

Zach's voice was trembling and cracking and Jack hated it so much because Zach didn't deserve to cry and Jack fucking _vowed_ to stop Zach from ever crying and now he was the cause.

He wanted to open the door but he didn't want to at the same time.

Zach didn't deserve him.

"Jack, listen. You're more than enough. You're beautiful. Open the door for me, baby. Please. Please."

And Jack couldn't. He couldn't.

He slid his hand closer to the pills.

"Jack! If you cared about me, you would open this door right now!"

Jack froze.

His eyes trailed to the door.

...

He reached out.

Hesitated.

Opened it.

Zach immediately burst in, wrapping his arms around Jack, squeezing him so tight and Jack felt a little better but he felt good now and he felt whole now that Zach was here.

Zach started sobbing.

"You're so strong, Jack. You're so strong."

And Jack sobbed, too.

The two broken boys clung on to each other, scared to let go, as if letting go would be like letting go of the world.

 


	6. the truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth of Jack's parents finally comes out, leaving both him and Zach in an ocean on confusion and regret.

"Zach... please don't go," Jack whimpered, watching drowsily from his spot on the bed. He curled his fingers around the blanket, searching for comfort.

"Jack, I have to go to school," Zach sighed apologetically. "If I didn't have to, you know I'd be here with ya, dude."

"But..."

"You did the stupid, dumb move of taking those pills, didn't you? You'll be tired, so go rest up."

"But Zach, y-you know I-"

"Please just let me go," Zach pleaded, looking at Jack with those beautiful big eyes. And oh, Jack never wanted to hear Zach's pleading tone ever again. He made Zach plead to not end his own life, and it was a sound that danced across Jack's ears like burning lava. He hated the way Zach pleaded. It made him sound so innocent and vulnerable, and Jack was weak to that.

"But you'll be back and be here soon, right?" Jack just needed the comfort of knowing that Zach, his reassurance, his rock, his lifeline, would be back soon and would tear Jack away from the demons tormenting and ripping his mind apart.

"If my mom says yes," Zach smiles crookedly, running a gentle hand through Jack's curls, making Jack shudder with pleasure. "I'll make sure I'll be back, though. There's nothing like your presence, Jack."

Jack blushed pink, ducking his head down and closing his eyes. "I-Is that a compliment?"

"Compliments are all I'll give you."

"That's impossibly nice."

"And I'll be impossibly nice to you, too. Now go to sleep, I'll probably be back when you wake up."

Jack's heart swelled, and he gave in, just wanting the comfort of Zach. if he had to fall asleep for that, so be it.

He closed his eyes, roses dancing across his cheeks, taking away the incredulous darkness.

__

He awoke, but Zach was not there.

Groaning and looking at the clock, it was 2:45.

15 more minutes and Jack would be in the embrace of Zach once more, in his hug, his warm hug that made him reminisce about his family and their love and it all. 

He drifted back to sleep.

__

There was rustling in the room.

Jack cracked open his eyes.

A figure was hunched over and digging into a backpack.

Zach...?

But Jack could not speak.

The fatigue coated his tongue, and he fell back asleep.

__

This time, he opened his eyes again and vowed to stay awake.

"Good morning, sleepyhead."

Jack looked towards the voice, his lips twitching up into a smile once he saw Zach sitting at the foot of the bed, his attention focused on Jack and only Jack.

"Hey," Jack murmured, still not quite awake. He sat up, rubbing his eyes to try and blink away the exhaustion pulling down on his eyelids. "What time is it?"

"I walked in and you were asleep. I was here for almost an hour."

The two sat in silence, dwelling in each other's comfy presence before Jack piped up.

"I'm sorry for this morning."

Zach scoffed, looking at Jack with the sunshine smile and shiny chocolate eyes that thawed Jack's heart. "You shouldn't be. Y'know I... nevermind." Zach looked back down at his lap, avoiding Jack's piercing gaze.

"What were you gonna say?"

"Nothing."

"Zach."

"Nothing," Zach repeated sharply. Jack could almost taste the unsaid words bottled up inside Zach. He needed to know if something was wrong, fuck, what if Zach was hiding something serious?

But if Zach wanted to keep his privacy, Jack would respect that. He only wanted the best for Zach, and if he needed space for that, alright.

"Okay, keep to yourself, but always come to me when something happens." Jack commanded firmly.

"...Sure."

But Jack could almost hear the fib.

Silence

Silence

Silence

Sil-

"Jack, where are your parents?"

Jack sucked a breath in, turning sharply to Zach.

The demons. They were rising up, the mention of Jack's parents calling to them and now they were here, free to torment Jack once again and _fuck_ , he didn't want Zach finding out about his parents and all the deaths and how his sisters were ripped from him like paper.

"I said already that they're on a business trip, Zach."

Jack couldn't let the truth slip out so he disguised it with lies.

"Jack, don't think I didn't look around while you were sleeping. I know it's wrong, but after this morning, I can't help but be a bit concerned. It's human nature, Jack. I'm sorry, but I looked through a lot of stuff."

Zach's gentle tone only scared Jack more that the truth might slip out easier than anticipated.

"There's too many bedrooms here, so much that it's odd. And I read letters in what I think was your room. Something talking about a funeral, I think?" Zach said, his voice creeping onto Jack. "Please, Jack, I know I'm invading your privacy but I need to know what's happening so I can help you in any way I can because I just want the best for you!"

Jack stood up abruptly, glaring at Zach. "Looking through my personal stuff is my concern, Zach! Fuck! Why did you do that? That-That's my stuff!"

"Jack, listen. I know it's hard for you to open up but this is because I need to help you! I just want-"

"I want a lot of things too, Zach! And you breaching my privacy isn't one of those!"

Jack could feel tears coming to his eyes but he felt like he cried too much today.

Zach's face was almost scared, but he seemed determined, and Jack fucking hated that he cared for this boy so much fucking dammit because if it were anyone else he would've punched them in the nose.

But this was Zach Herron, the boy he existed for.

But there was anger.

"I've been alone for so long and now that I'm not, this is what I get?" Jack choked out, clenching his fists and stepping towards Zach. "Fucking God, Zach! I trusted you! And you just go snooping around in my fucking personal shit, is that what friends do?"

"Jack, please," Zach begged of Jack, and his eyes didn't shine with happiness, but with _tears_. And no, Jack didn't want Zach to cry. Please, no. Please no. Please _no_.

"Zach, please don't do anything like this," Jack seethed in anger. "Do you really want the truth that badly? Well, do you?"

"Jack, if you don't wanna tell me, then it's fi-"

"Well, if you want it that bad, here you go!" Jack couldn't control the flow of anger dripping out of him, because he was just so angry, at the world, at his life, but he was not angry at Zach. He was just taking his anger out at Zach, which was horrible, but he couldn't stop himself.

"Well, here ya go!" Jack sneered. "My parents are fucking dead, Zach! They're fucking dead and burnt to ashes and I never even got to say goodbye!"

Silence

Silence

Silence

Sil-

"I'm sorry, Jack," Zach said softly, but you could hear the regret in his voice and it was coated with tears and fear and it was the worst sound ever to have reached Jack's ears. And Jack hated himself so much in that moment.

"Zach, I didn't mean to yell-"

"No!" Zach shouted, and he looked up at Jack. Jack gasped.

Zach's face was tear-stained and shiny and red and he looked miserable and sad and Jack hated it so much and he hated it and himself. He looked so fragile and crumpled up and Jack hated it. Hated, hated, hated.

"I shouldn't have gotten it out of you!" Zach yelled. "Jack, I-I can't imagine how painful that can be!"

And Jack felt the blazing truth, that Zach, even after being yelled at and frightened and scared, was feeling sympathy for Jack.

He was concerned about the mental pain Jack was feeling, and what did Jack do?

Ruin it all.

Push Zach away.

Make Zach feel the very pain in his own heart, the pain that devoured him whole.

 


	7. the prettiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack marvels at the world and his boy, Zach.

Jack rubbed his face, his breath fluttering in his chest, feeling drained and confused. He met Zach's eyes. "Look, Zach..."

"Now I know why you've been lashing out at me," Zach said shakily, refusing to look at Jack. Jack tried keeping his concern ethereal, tucked away in a box which only he held the key to, but Zach's bleak attitude seemed to be leaving a bad aftertaste on his tongue.

"Why?" Jack asked gently.

"You always get mad whenever I talk about my mom or someone of value to me. A-And it's because you lost everyone in your life remotely close to that, r-right? Gosh. Jeez. I'm so stupid," Zach laughed dryly. "I'm stupid. And sorry. Sorry..."

Jack watched in complete confusion as some tears fell down Zach's cheeks, dribbling to the floor as Zach bowed his head. Zach's shoulders were shaking, and Jack did not feel angry, or mad, or frustrated with the younger boy. Instead, he gently slipped two fingers under Zach's chin, lifting his head up. Zach's eyes were misty, filled with crystal tears, and his face was flushed red from crying. Jack watched with a forlorn expression as Zach's face crumpled up, eyes filling with not only tears once again, but sorrow. Sorrow. Sorrow for Jack and his broken world and his empty life that Zach hated to see.

Jack laughed slightly, his forlorn expression melting into one of fondness. 

"Jeez," he grinned fondly. "A few days into our friendship and we've cried enough tears to fill up a river."

Zach giggled a little, sniffling, wiping his tears with his sleeve as he looked away from Jack. 

"We should stop crying a lot. It's unhealthy, you know?" Jack said, watching Zach intensely for a reaction.

"Heh..." Zach sniffled, the corners of his lips twitching up into a slight smile. "Yeah. We should."

"But Zach, I'm sorry for yelling at you. I understand that you were trying to help me and stuff. I'm the sorry one here."

Zach bit his tongue to restrain the argument desiring to flood out of his mouth. So he just watched Jack, smiled, and nodded his head to signal that he accepted the apology.

__

The aura of awkward pain floated around the two boys' heads, entrancing them, alluring them into an ecstasy of somber night skies and rooms of delicious darkness. It was like their friendship was hanging on a thread.

Their friendship thrived on sadness.

That's the demented part about it all.

Now, of course, Jack thought this through, his mind wrapped around this melancholy thought that this friendship was unhealthy and degrading and disgusting.

It made him want to vomit.

He couldn't bear to have the friendship thriving on pain, especially Zach's pain, because Zach's pain was the one thing he could not bear the most. But Zach's pain was what kept it going. If they had not cried their sad tears or wailed their sad thoughts or if Zach had not found lonely Jack along the road, would they have ever interacted with each other?

Definitely not, went Jack's mind.

But there was something different about Zach, about the way he smiled and his presence and his fiery, spiritual attitude that infected Jack. Maybe it was because Zach reminded him of his sisters, who were forgotten, and Jack just wanted someone of comfort? 

Either way, Jack decided that Zach was his spirit and his flame and more than once, that flame had been close to being blown out.

__

It was nighttime.

Zach and Jack had barely interacted since that somber afternoon, usually avoiding each other. More than once, Jack frighteningly found Zach's gaze trailing over to the front door, and Jack wondered if Zach wanted to leave. Not that he would blame Zach, but Jack knew that he was boring and gloomy and not appealing to Zach. He was being unpleasant and a horrible friend, of course, Zach would want to leave.

"I think I have to go soon," Zach said, his voice laced with cold and snowflakes that kissed Jack's cheeks and melted there, and Jack shivered with pleasure.

"If you need to go, then go. I'm not stopping you."

"I like it here, though," Zach whispered from his spot on the couch, eyes flickering over to Jack, and his eyes were filled with the stolen stars of the night sky and the twilight glow of dawn and gosh he had never looked dreamier to Jack. Jack just burnt a flaming red, the blush of dusk littering his beautiful skeleton cheeks.

"But your mom..."

"Jack, honestly, she's glad I've made a friend. She wants me to stay here and get to know you more. And she knows you're alone, so she wants me to keep you company."

"Oh. Okay. Thanks...?"

The silence rested upon the boys again, blanketing them whole, unsettling them and shaking their bones and their hearts and their words that can't seem to escape their desiring lips.

Silence...

"We should watch a movie," Jack suggested because he hated the silence and didn't want it to be quiet around a loud boy.

"Heck yeah!" Zach shouted, jumping up and pumping a fist. "Movie night! Sweet!"

Jack released a breath. It wasn't boring anymore. 

"I'll go get blankets and make popcorn and you can pick a movie."

__

Jack wondered how he wound up on the couch next to Zach, huddled in the same warm blanket in the warm presence of the warm boy next to him, the boy spreading the glowing warmth of the world and Jack felt all warm, warm, warm.

Zach had picked _Up_ , the story of the old man and the small boy and the wondrous deeds they do in the wonder of the world.

And when Ellie died, it reminded Jack of himself and his cold sadness and bland melancholic loneliness.

But either way, he was delighted to be next to Zachary Dean Herron, who kept shouting at the movie and laughing and sometimes whining out when something bad happened on the screen.

His voice washed away the loneliness.

The light from the TV fogged Jack's gaze up but Zach's laugh wiped the fog away, leaving his vision clear and beautiful and Jack deemed it fascinating how this pretty boy had a pretty laugh and a pretty personality, so Jack just stared at the pretty boy who scared off the demons and the evil and the sad stuff.

Jack was unable to focus on the movie, distracted by the pretty boy's pretty features and the way his mouth curved up into a pretty smile and released a pretty giggle and it made Jack feel all warm inside.

His eyes held the pretty stars and the pretty light that lit up Jack's ugly world but it was slowly turning into a pretty world, filled with the pretty boy's pretty laugh and pretty smile that had found its way into Jack's ugly mind.

His skin held the pretty snowflakes that prettily breezed and whispered onto Jack's skin, blowing away the melancholy and fear glazing Jack's body and it was pretty, pretty, so pretty.

The movie ended, the pretty boy said goodnight and Jack squeezed his words out and his words left a pretty smile on the pretty boy's pretty face, and Jack finally felt pretty all over.

Jack dozed off, the pretty boy painting a pretty image in Jack's mind.

Jack dreamt of pretty things lacing pretty faces and pretty kisses in the dead of night.

 

 


	8. the desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack finds it hard to not act on Zach's sleeping form.

Jack woke up with the world in the palm of his hands and his happiness floating beside him.

Sunlight burst through the blinds like a caged animal, illuminating the living room, lighting it up in such a fascinating way that Jack found it quite marvelous and weirdly interesting. The sound of life whispered in his ears.

Better yet, the pretty boy was still asleep beside him. And he still had that relaxed expression on his face.

Jack once again found himself staring intently at Zach Herron's sleeping figure.

Jack, still bundled up in the blanket with Zach, found it growing warmer, and it wasn't just because of the blanket. His cheeks heated up like an oven, making him blush a striking red to match Zach's pink cheeks.

Now, as cheesy as this may sound, Jack was finding Zach irresistible.

Jack's chocolate eyes flickered to Zach's pink, plump lips that were slightly parted but so full and pretty. They looked soft. They looked... extremely kissable.

 _No,_ Jack thought, shaking himself of those romantic thoughts, feeling himself grow even hotter. 

But his mind still traveled to the many possibilities of this heated moment. Jack imagined those pink lips of Zach pressing against his own, so soft, sending sparks flying, melting Jack's frozen, icy heart. He wanted to kiss him. He wanted to kiss Zach.

It was extremely ridiculous.

But Jack couldn't shake the feeling of fate and how its demented mind tried making Jack kiss his friend, his only friend, his _best_ friend, that he'd only known for a few days.

But fate knows best, doesn't it?

Jack fully knew that he couldn't control life; life controlled him.

Strangely enough, Jack, like a puppet on a string, unconsciously drifted his hand towards Zach's face. He began lightly touching his lip, caressing his cheek; an affectionate gesture. But Jack wanted more. He needed more. He _desired_ more.

Fuck. Jack was losing his mind.

He found it irrevocable and utterly cliché. He wanted Zach's lips on his, he could not deny it. He felt like Bella from Twilight, and Zach was Edward.

So Jack helplessly found himself leaning forward, his lips slightly parted, and he was getting closer and ever so closer to Zach's gorgeous face, and he was just looking at Zach's lips and how beautiful they looked... he was going to kiss Zach, he was sure of it... he wanted to know what a kiss felt like; was it sweet? Was it beautiful? Was it a masterpiece in itself...?

Jack leaned forward, forward, forward... 

And he pulled back.

Jack shook his head, blinking rapidly. He would not kiss Zach without consent. It was not the time. It was too fast to try to make a move on Zach.

But there was still an urge.

A desire.

Perhaps it would happen in another time, another life.

__


End file.
